Me: I am a round peg in the square hole of life.
Kyle: Ah, so it’s hereditary!
I went for a walk in the winter sun, chanting Sanskrit prayers in to the cold winds, trying to find an anchor for my little raft of emotion which was completely adrift. Most of the time, I have enough solidarity with my inner nature to feel connected to the source of my soul but sometimes, more often now that I am getting in to old age, I become overwhelmed with wondering just what this life I have been living has all been about. For those of us who accept reincarnation as a reality, there are the obvious and inevitable lessons of life to be learned in order to move on to the next stage, the next level (one hopes), and each and every thing that is or has occurred in one life greatly effects the next one. I received this lovely piece of information during my first near death experience when I was six, and it was reiterated to me in my second NDE when I was fourteen. This has been my anchor, my safe haven of knowing that all the trials and lessons have been for a higher purpose, albeit a very mysterious one.
This particular bit of knowledge has also been the bane of my existence. Having been given the gift of being able to see through the veil of maya a full two decades before I would learn the Sanskrit word to describe the illusion that the things we surround ourselves with on the physical plane matter in our ultimate happiness. Along with that has come the way of seeing that allows me a more global perspective where I can look past the barriers of the immediate and see the outcome that can happen. This led to the habit of having trust in the workings of the Universe: here is “now”, and if one acts from integrity of spirit and with honesty, the “then” will be provided if it is for the highest good of those concerned.
It took me years to realize that not everyone could see the colors of the energy that runs through everything; it took me decades to realize that not everyone, maybe even most people, do not live their lives/ act toward others from a place of integrity or for the highest good. If they did, the world’s children would have food and the Earth would not be dying from our collective greed. But, surely, I should have been able to trust those close to me, those whom I knew on a personal level. They were not huge conglomerates who steal the water from people who have nothing else but those wells to depend upon for their lives; they were not un-named robots of society; they were individuals whom I knew and had accepted in to my life willingly. If there is an esoteric “trickle down theory” is it that the actions of the huge and uncaring corporate/ government can insidiously work into the fabric of how each of us decides to live our lives. There is so much corrupt action in the macrocosm of the larger world that it finds its way into the way we are with each other on a daily basis.
Some things were not under my control. They were done to me before I had reached the age of reason; they put me in the position of being the recipient of someone else’s pathetic behavior. And many more things happened that I find myself feeling responsible for because I was not alert enough to look past my own trusting and see the reality of what was going on. People cannot be counted upon to act from a place of integrity towards others. This piece of knowledge came to me at a high price which I paid in large installments over many years.
I still hold to my basic knowing that if one is to succeed on one’s spiritual path, one must keep to one’s integrity. Even at the risk of not having worldly success. This is where the knowledge has become as much a curse as a blessing. I just don’t care to try and fit in the square holes any more. Retirement has had a lot to do with this, I am certain. I don’t have to try and fit in those holes any more. As time goes by and I need to let go of more and more in order to stay true to what I know to be my way to the best future for my spirit I become increasingly isolated.
What I see around me in the world does not encourage me to be open.
My idealism that was so rampant in the 1960’s has waned significantly, and I admit that I am fearful about what is happening in the country where I live, and the world at large. I know that many of you reading this are in countries other than the US, and right here and now I want to state that there is no way to quantify the amount of humiliation I am feeling as an American as these things come to pass.
There used to be a lot of us round pegs in the world. So many of us tried for so many years to make things better for those who would follow in our footsteps; we walked miles and breathed tear gas to protest the forced laying down of boys’ lives for unjust wars, for social inequality, and for women’s right to govern their own bodies. We danced in the streets and in the rains at Woodstock. And, yes, we got stoned. And through the purpled haze we saw a future of peace and living responsibly on the Earth.
I’m sorry for whatever my part in the mass failure was.