A few weeks ago I went for a walk in the winter sun, chanting Sanskrit prayers in to the cold winds, trying to find an anchor for my little raft of emotion which was completely adrift. Most of the time, I have enough solidarity with my inner nature to feel connected to the source of my soul but sometimes, more often now that I am getting in to old age, I become overwhelmed with wondering just what this life I have been living has all been about. For those of us who accept reincarnation as a reality, there are the obvious and inevitable lessons of life to be learned in order to move on to the next stage, the next level (one hopes), and each and every thing that is or has occurred in one life greatly effects the next one. I received this lovely piece of information during my first near death experience when I was six, and it was reiterated to me in my second NDE when I was fourteen. This has been my anchor, my safe haven of knowing that all the trials and lessons have been for a higher purpose, albeit a very mysterious one.
This particular bit of knowledge has also been the bane of my existence. Having been given the gift of being able to see through the veil of maya a full two decades before I would learn the Sanskrit word to describe the ultimate illusion that the things we surround ourselves with on the physical plane matter in our ultimate happiness. Along with that has come the way of seeing that allows me a more global perspective where I can look past the barriers of the immediate and see the outcome that can happen. This led to the habit of having trust in the workings of the Universe: here is “now”, and if one acts from integrity of spirit and with honesty, the “then” will be provided if it is for the highest good of those concerned.
It took me years to realize that not everyone could see the colors of the energy that runs through everything; it took me decades to realize that not everyone, maybe even most people, do not live their lives/act toward others from a place of integrity or for the highest good. If they did, the world’s children would have food and the Earth would not be dying from our collective greed. But, surely, I should have been able to trust those close to me, those whom I knew on a personal level. They were not huge conglomerates who steal the water from people who have nothing else but those wells to depend upon for their lives; they were not un-named robots of society; they were individuals whom I knew and had accepted in to my life willingly. If there is an esoteric “trickle down theory” is it that the actions of the huge and uncaring corporate/ government can insidiously work into the fabric of how each of us decides to live our lives. There is so much corrupt action in the macrocosm of the larger world that it finds its way into the way we are with each other on a daily basis.
Some things were not under my control. They were done to me before I had reached the age of reason; they put me in the position of being the recipient of someone else’s pathetic behavior. And many more things happened that I find myself feeling responsible for because I was not alert enough to look past my own trusting and see the reality of what was going on. People cannot be counted upon to act from a place of integrity towards others. This piece of knowledge came to me at a high price which I paid in large installments over many years.
I still hold to my basic knowing that if one is to succeed on one’s spiritual path, one must keep to one’s integrity. Even at the risk of not having worldly success. This is where the knowledge has become as much a curse as a blessing. I just don’t care to try and fit in the square holes any more. Retirement has had a lot to do with this, I am certain. I don’t have to try and fit in those holes any more. As time goes by and I need to let go of more and more in order to stay true to what I know to be my way to the best future for my spirit, I become increasingly isolated.
What I see around me in the world does not encourage me to be open.
My idealism that was so rampant in the 1960’s has waned significantly, and I admit that I am fearful that very soon a man who is both a narcissist and a megalomaniac will have a lot to do with what happens in the country where I live, and the world at large. I know that many of you reading this are in countries other than the US, and right here and now I want to state that there is no way to quantify the amount of humiliation I will feel as an American should this come to pass.
It’s spring now, and the garden calls to me through my constantly open window. I have been spending time planting new things and seeing what comes forth from last year’s plantings. There has been rain (finally!), announced by thunder and lightning; so unusual for Northern California. Beautiful clouds gathered in the sky from three directions and danced in their different layers and shades, blending at last into the deluge that soaked the all-too-dry earth.
I have been reading more than writing. Most of what I read is hopeful and touches the spirit of those of us who hold the Earth as sacred. There is kindness out there; there are many who spend their lives maintaining the cultures of the indigenous and disseminating the knowledge that will help to keep us all healthier and safer. We just need to listen.
There are people who put forth great amounts of energy to bring an end to senseless and violent rampages against the innocent; there are people who are working hard to keep our food from being irreversibly adulterated without thought for the consequences; there are those who seek justice for the rape of the earth and the terrible travesty of broken pipelines, lives ruined, and animals murdered with oil sludge; there are those who bring awareness in to the common culture, and the legal system, so that the products we use on our bodies and in our homes are safe and not cancer-causing.
The writing I have been doing over these past few months has been in support of these groups and the causes that they represent. There is so much work to do; we must all do our part. No longer can we wait and let someone else take care of the problems that surround us. They are not far off in another place where we can put them out of our minds and continue on as usual. The problems are right here, and the time is now.
The First Peoples spoke of living for the seventh generation to follow them. There is not time enough anymore to think that far ahead. Our actions, our daily decisions about what we eat, what we buy, and how we live, have a direct effect on the present moment in lives that span the globe. People that we will never see, but are living right now in this moment, are at the mercy of decisions we make each and every day. We need to think about those who are seven time zones away. Or, seven thousand miles; or seven hundred miles; or seven minutes.
It’s overwhelming. I know. I have been feeling the effects of the overwhelm for a year or so, and have had to withdraw a little in order to deal with it. But like the volunteer seeds from last year’s flowers, I, too, feel the surge of new growth and strength. I wanted to stop. I truly did. I felt that 45 years of activism was enough and that as I get older I could rest and let others take over. Others have taken over, and yet I still feel the need to carry on. Rest is not what’s needed now. Action is what’s needed.